Should I?

Should I work for the money?

or should I work for interest?

Then again...

I do need money to further my interest.

mmmhhh...

A big fish in a small pond

I don't know why, 

but i keep having the nagging feeling that I'm like a big fish in a small pond.

Singapore seems to present a restraint on my future.

Maybe because I've experienced a world far bigger than Singapore,

a world with far bigger and better opportunities for me.

Maybe it's just a case of "the grass being greener on the other side".

But I've been getting encouragement from friends and family,

to leave Singapore if I can.

I have to admit that it has affected me a little. 

Honestly, I no longer see myself living a life her.

There seems to be no future for me here.

It's not that I do not like being a Singaporean, I do. 

But I do feel like life here in Singapore is such a drag.

Singaporeans spend 3/4 of their lives in an institution trying to fit in.

The other 1/4 of their lives out of Singapore.

Singapore is a traveller's haven. 

There's just nothing here in Singapore to explore. 

As any Singaporean, where would you go when you're not working or studying?

Almost unanimously, "ORCHARD ROAD"

Why? No, not because it's a good place to hand out, or to shop.

Simply because there are few other places there are for us to go.

Granted, there are places like Bugis, Clark Quay, Sentosa.

Where else? I really can't think of any.

You know? A Korean travel agency actually has a "one day shopping trip to Singapore"

Imagine that!

With all the cheap airlines, Singapore has ceased to be a traveller's hub.

Rather a big departmental store for people who have cash and a  little time to spare.

So you see?

Where do I stand in Singapore?

Dreadfully, I feel like a clone.

Just amongst one of the clones the very successful 

educational system in Singapore has developed.

I need out, I want out!

Of course there are things and people I can't bear to leave here.

My parents, brother, cousins (whom I love so dearly), friends.

I can't imagine where I'll be today without them.

But I'm sure that they'll understand where I'm coming from,

Where I'm going.

I know they will.

I wasn't always like this.

Approximately 6 years ago, I didn't even see myself in a University.

I dare say that I am a rags to riches story half told.

I might sound like I'm getting ahead of myself.

But hear me out.

This was how it all started.

I was never good at studying especially in elementary school.

I failed everything except for English and Science.

I was never given encouragement.

I was always the odd one out.

The unambitious one.

The failure of the family. (I'm from a family of teachers, principles, "government official", future economist, psychologist, lawyer)

I went to Normal Academic when I was in middle school.

Never thought for a second that I could make it past that to enter a university.

I saw myself in a polytechnic and starting work at approximately 22-23 just like many of my friends from middle school.

My extended family thought the same.

It was a vicious cycle, nobody had faith in me, I never had faith in myself.

Then, in the small pond (normal academic) that I was forced into, I did relatively well.

I surprised myself, and others.

It motivated me to continue doing well. 

I did it.

Now, I'm here.

I feel like I shouldn't stop here.

I need to make a mark for myself. 

I have to admit that I do bear some degree of competitiveness.

I do not want to fit into the model my brilliant family has established.

I want to fly.

I want to be remembered as Freda the one who broke free.

I want to extend my wings beyond the shadow I've been living in.

I want people to see me for my effort and success.

I can't do this here.

Singapore as no place for me to spread them wings.

I need out. I need to be... Me....

Love

Is love really such a difficult thing to do?

Every single day I hear stories of people breaking up, divorcing, and to the extreme, killing themselves over unrequited love. 

Why is love, apparently the most powerful emotion of all - giving people the power to live, and also a motivation to end ones life -  so ironically weak?

I admit to being a victim of it too.

Sometimes I think to myself, would it be better to leave a relationship when it's all rosy and happy? Doing so ensures the most heart-rending memories and emotions. Smiling every time you think about that person. Feeling flushed like you used to when you first met him or her.

This compared to being with someone until all the dopamine has diminished then deciding that that person is not the one for you. Leaving behind only regrets, pain, anger, hurt... Nothing like how you felt 2 years ago.

I once heard someone say in a drama: "사랑? 사랑은 첫3년동안 그사람 없으면 죽겠다고 하고 3년 후에 그사람 있으면 못 산다고 해~ 그거 사랑이야~" love is to say that one is not able to live WITHOUT someone for the first 3 years, after which one would say it's impossible to live WITH that person. I does have a bit of truth to it doesn't it? How many couples you know have been able to put up with each other for more than 3 years? 

What is it about love, regardless of its impending and inevitable hurt, that so attracts everyone? Why do I want to fall victim to its cruelty? Maybe its the belief that my love will be different that keeps me yearning... I feel so disillusioned, yet unwilling to wake up and smell the roses~!

Exams~!

I so hate exams... I mean I don't hate studying... I like it in fact... But the exams... argh.. it's driving me nuts~! I like studying as an end in itself.. but studying as a means to and end... is so driving me to my grave~! I saw this nice phrase in Korean once, "사람이 책을 만들고 책이 사람을 만든다" which translates into "man makes books and book makes a man" which I think rings some bells... But right now... I think "사람이 책을 만들고 책을 날 망했다" ㅋㅋㅋ which means "man makes books, book ruins me" hahahah 화이팅~! 내가 힘내야 된다~! 내 꿈 위해~! 아자 아자~! ^^

It's been 3 years

It's been three years since I first started this blog in my bid to compose an online novel. I guess impatience and lack of determination brought me to where it is today... hahaha.. well.. I'm planning to revive it with you know.. just ramblings about my life. 

I guess building this fish bowl for others to view my insipid world would be so much more interesting than trying to complete a story I wrote when I was still in high school right? hahaha... 

벌써 3년 지나갔다~ 시간 정말 너무 빨리 간다~ 좀 섭섭하네~ 아잉~~~ 자쯩나~~~ 지금 열공 해야 된다~! 화이팅~! 또 보자~!

Long waited Chapter 3

Amber dawned her satin pink gown and sat on the edge of her bed waiting for JT to pick her up. Muddled thoughts swirled in her head as she thought about the prospects of losing the big "V" tonight. Her palms were sweaty as she stared intently into space. "Ding Dong!" the bell rang and abrubtly woke her up from her frenzied day dream. She mustered up all the courage that she's had left and made her way down to meet JT.

There he stood at the bottom of the stairway, smiling as he thought to himself "finally the night has come, she's gonna be mine." He watched her ease her way down the stairs in the elegant gown that he had picked for her a few weeks ago. "She so beautiful, how could i ever love another?" he silently questioned himself. JT knew how bad his temper was and how he'd hurt her one too many times before, but he'd never ever doubted his love for her. Guilt would always raid his soul after a fight and he didn't like the way he treated her, he would always reason that the only reason he was so hard on her is because he loved her too much. He didn't want and didn't like to admit that he needed her so much, he didn't wanna look like a wimp in front of her. Truth is, he loved his pride more than he loved her.

They made their way to his car, a silver Pontiac. WIth hearts on fire they drove down the streets spruced with excitement as everyone geared up for the prom. The drive was unusually quiet tonight as they glanced over at each other with knowing gaze.

Chapter 2

She was 18, a smart kid, everyone adored her amazing talents and positivity. Amber was the sunshine kid of her town. She studied in the town's prestigious Adveil high school and was all set for college. She was the captain of the all star girl's ice-hockey team and was the top student for the past three years, she played the cello and was a ballet dancer. She was popular, smart and beautiful, everything a girl would ever dream to be. Every guy in town would gladly die for just one date with her, but her heart belonged to someone else, someone named, JT, Julian Tenor. He was the most charming boy anyone has ever seen, star player of the Adveil football team who had such a dazzling smile, even the sun couldn't be brighter. Together, they made an amazing pair, or so it seemed.

To everyone, they simply had the most amazing relationship and was such a fairy tale come true. Yet no one truly knew how Amber suffered in silence. JT had such a charm that no one suspected what a terror he was in fact. He had a temper that was unimaginable, the only one who knew, besides his parents was Amber and she had to bear the brunt of it all. She once got beaten so bad she couldn't attend school for a week just because she hadn't answered his call when he called her. He was so pissed that she made him lose his pride in front of his pals that he totally lost control. He sped down over to her house just to prove his domination over her. She was hurt bad, but her dependence on him just made the pain seemingly worthwhile for her. She believed that she lived only for him, she was so convinced that nothing in the world was worth leaving JT for. Or so she thought.

Nothing could prepare her for what was to come, not even the amount of love and dependency on JT could justify what he would do to her. December 16th, a date that Amber looked forward to every since the first day of senior high, their prom night. "Gosh! The night is finally here!" Amber said, trying hard to suppress her feelings as she spoke to her Darlene over the cordless phone. Darlene was her best friend, they met each other at a candy stand at 4 and were literally inseparable since then. There was nothing that the both of them could not share, they had even made a blood pact, promising to tell each other about their first sexual experience. Something which have yet to happen for the both of them. "Am.... He's gonna ask you for it tonight. I know he would. Are you ready for it? You've got to tell me EVERYTHING!" Darlene urged. "Uh.... I donno Darl... I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I mean i love him and everything, but i think it's too typical to lose my virginity on prom night. I want it to be something special, not something everybody does. You know what i mean don't you?" Amber said hesitantly. "Yeah... i guess you're right. Hey i gotta run. Ben's coming to pick me up at eight, gotta go get ready. You take care alright? I'll see you at the party. Love ya. Bye" Then the sound of the Dial tone was left.

Amber's heart raced as she thought about tonight, there was no doubt that JT was gonna ask for it, he'd told her that nobody was gonna be home and the room would be ready for her. It had to mean that! Forget it, I've gotta go prepare before he arrives.

Writer's note

Dear readers,

I have specially created this blog to pen down a story that i hope will move people. I have always dreamt of being a writer and never felt like i had a story that was good enough. However, a breakthrough came to me as a dream last night and it brought me to tears. I hope to share this story with people who are interested and also take this opportunity to fulfil my dreams of becoming a writer. If u have any comments or suggestions, please feel free to drop me a line or tag me. I'll need all the help i could get.

Freda

Chapter 1

Amber shivered as she walked down the cold erie corridors of death and illness, off her cheek a single silent tear gained momentum as it carassed the wrinkled contours of her face. She couldn't believe something like this could happen to him. He was the careful one! Why? Why had this have to happen to him? God! Please do not take him away. I'll promise never to see him again..... I promise....

" Ward 32" the uninviting door read, Amber took a heavy step into the room. A dark gloom was all that had greeted her. The silence was simply deafening. There, on the sickly pale sheets laid her one true love, Rafe, held together only by yards of bandage, like an ancient mummy. She stepped closer,each step harder than the next, she held her breath as she realised he wasn't moving. "Oh god, let him be alive!" she begged. Suddenly, his chest heaved as Rafe stuggled to keep breathing, "Amber." A sudden surge of emotions engulfed Amber as she heard him calling out to her, in impulse, she lunged herself by his bedside tightly holding on to his icy cold hands. Her tears were now an uncontrollable stream as she felt the pain he felt. "I'm here Rafe, I'm here, it's me... Amber!"